I sit here contemplating the fact that I have a 15 year old daughter and wondering where the time has gone. When I look at her my heart swells with emotion and joy as she is a priceless treasure to me...not only as a daughter but also a confidant, friend, and a person I trust and respect immensely. The road hasn’t always been easy and I am by no means a perfect parent but I’ve realized I’ve learned some things about raising older children and I’d love to dismantle this notion that the teenage years are tumultuous and scary. These are lies and I would encourage you to dismiss this thought when presented to you by well meaning adults trying to “prepare” you for what is to come.
Yes the teenage years can be awful for some but they don’t have to be for you. I look around at the pitfalls and temptations for older children today and it’s no wonder the family unit is being destroyed before our eyes and teenagers are turning away from the loving instruction of parents and turning away from the faith.
But the good news is that there are very real and tangible ways you can continue to win and keep the hearts of your children as they grow and lead them along the paths of Yahweh. Please don’t believe that as they grow your influence on them will diminish. Your daily presence and influence is paramount to their continued maturity and physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
I created a list of ways to encourage you in this...in the wholesome nurture of teenagers...
Here are just a few:
Listen to them.
There is power in simply being a friend to them when they want to talk. There have been many times when I can tell there is something troubling my daughter. At night when everyone else is asleep and she is up late reading I will go in and sit with her on her bed and let her talk and however hard this is for me...as I am usually exhausted and needing some time to myself...this always cheers her up and helps our hearts stay connected. There is very little work involved in simply listening to our children talk to us about their worries, dreams, ideas, fears. But how often do we overlook just being there to hear them and be a sounding board for them?
Affection.
They may not be a squishy adorable toddler anymore but they still need just as much affection and attention from you. Often times parents assume that their older children don’t want or need all the hugs and kisses and tenderness from us but we are wrong in this! They do. They may not ask for it right out and they may not appreciate it in the middle of the grocery store or when friends are present. But they need this from us regularly. Warm hugs, wrestling matches with dad in the living room, holding hands, all of it gives children a sense of security and the feeling of being truly loved and cared for.
Home culture.
They won’t want to be home if it’s not a warm and inviting place to be. If your home is cold, sterile, boring, or always a mess...of course he/she will want to be elsewhere all of the time. Be thoughtful and creative about how you want your home to look and feel for your children. Is it cozy? Is it colorful...not in an obnoxious way...but in a thoughtful way? I know minimalism is big right now and often times I’ll see images of these clean, minimal, and clutter free homes. They are usually neutral tones...lots of white. Very empty looking. And it makes me a little sad. Maybe it’s the artist in me but children need beauty. The warmth that varying textures, patterns, colors, sounds, and smells can bring is invaluable. Incorporating art, music, poetry, good books, and nourishing food will do wonders for making your children feel cherished. If you don’t know where to start in this department, ask yourself, what does my family enjoy? What makes our family unique? What makes the McCrory’s…the McCrory’s? These are the things that tether them to the home and these are the things they will look back on with fondness when they are grown and making their own homes and starting their own families.
Limit friend time and prioritize parent relationships.
This may sound harsh or like I’m suggesting you hole up your children and never let them socialize with other kids and that is definitely not what I’m suggesting. But this is extremely important when it comes to raising teens. There is a very real shift that happens for teenagers where their world begins to revolve around their peers and friends and less around parents and home life. The more they are around friends at school or extra activities or social gatherings or sleepovers...the more they will want time with friends and the less satisfied they will be at home. The parents cease to be the child’s everything and peers take the parents place. There will absolutely come a time when the teen shifts their attention away from parents and onto a potential spouse but this transition is natural and as it should be. The shift from a strong parent/child relationship to an all-consuming peer/child relationship is harmful and causes so much unhappiness for the teenager…even if they don’t understand why. It’s completely backwards as any teenager reading this would normally think otherwise. They would think that happiness is found in ample friend time and social outings…having many friends and a busy social life. But I’ve seen the opposite. I’ve seen teenagers who do have this type of life and they do not look happy at all. With that said, friendships are a blessing and a reward from Yahweh and we find much treasure when we find good friends. But, it is our job as parents, to make sure the friends our children have are indeed good friends for them. Friends who are likeminded and can encourage each other toward righteousness.
Light-heartedness and laughter go a long way
This is a sensitive time in a teens life where they are experiencing so many different emotions and changes and swiftly transitioning from girlhood or boyhood to woman or manhood. This isn’t easy and as parents we forget this. There is a time for seriousness and sensitivity but I’ve learned that sometimes laughter and cheerfulness can quickly dissolve tense or angry emotions. My daughter can, at times, get upset easily at something I've said or done, without my even knowing I’ve done something to upset her. Instead of getting angry at her anger…or exasperated at her….I’ve learned to simply make her laugh. I’ll act like a complete goofball and make her laugh and then the tension is lifted and all is sunshine in her world again. Other times I’ll just give them hugs and tell them I love them. This also eases tense emotions. Don’t allow the tension or the moods to affect you. This is normal and will even out eventually.
Praise and encourage
This is the hardest for me as I just get in my own world and the many, many things my older children do right and well, I often overlook. But, the one thing they do wrong, I will notice and correct immediately. :( This is something I’m working on. I’ve seen that when I am cognizant of my diligence in praising and encouraging them…their attitudes and day to day outlook is drastically better. No one, no matter the age, likes being criticized all the time. They need to know that we are pleased with them, that we adore them, that we think they are the smartest and brightest treasures to us. Because they are.
Pray for them.
Prayer is such a huge part of parenting and its also an area where I continually fail and fall short. My diligence in praying for my teens and over them..for their future spouses..and future life decisions needs to improve. I am always reminded when I am fervent in prayer…that the Father hears us and He answers our prayers. Prayer is powerful and it is an effective way we can help them. They need it, in the world we are living in, they desperately need our prayers and our asking the Father for His protection and provision over them. He loves them even more than we do and we can rest assured that He will answer us. One prayer I’ve consistently prayed over my children and over my family, other than the Aaronic Priestly blessing, is that they/we would be sealed for His Kingdom. I visualize Him marking us, sealing us, setting our family apart in some way. That has become a powerful way to pray for my children.
There is so much to look forward to when it comes to raising teens!
Families in ages past purposefully had large families because as the children grew, they were able to help the family in all kinds of ways, whether it be on the farm or whatever the family business was. I’ve seen this in our own home. The home is the training ground for adult life once our children begin a life of their own and raise their own families. My daughter is a huge help to me when I need her to help with cooking, cleaning, or helping with the other children. She is another pair of hands for me and she is learning so much about how family life functions. She is probably learning plenty of what not to do as well!! But she is so valuable, a priceless daughter of the Most High, and she offers so much to her family.
Teenagers today need to know their worth, they need a good work ethic, they need to know they have an empathetic ear to listen to them, they need to feel secure and cherished. If they know all of this deep down, you will have their hearts…
And they will flourish!
Love to you,
Lauren
Thank you for for beautiful & timely reminder. You’re right, how easily I can overlook recognizing all the wonderful things they do and so quickly jump on the 1 mistake....& how I need to remain fervent in my prayers for my family.